I asked Joy:

Why it happens that the relationship you had with someone that felt so superb, so deep, and so intense, just turns into a piece of shit that you cant carry along anymore??

He replied:

Thats life, sweetheart! Maturity is to learn to live with things that we can’t change!

After an hour’s worth of blah blah blah… about how i am afraid to loose the feeling that i’m in love with Ember, where in reality that relationship is fading away slowly. I can feel it, leaving me. I can feel it, diminishing. And i cant help but mourn. He is supposed to be the ONE!! After Three thousand Dates, he was the one i connected so deeply to. Its been Three years after that, and i’ve never loved anyone else like i loved him. [ Joy comes into total different column under the topic love, so no comparison there! ]

Its not like we’re breaking up, we are just moving away from each other. We still talk to each other, no contempt held against. But something’s missing. The passion that was there before. Anyway this LDR [long distance relationship] is being Royal pain in Ass! And to think of it, I had decided that LDR is particularly the thing i wouldnt get into, when i was 16. I had made a list of things that i would never do, such as, i would never go for LDR, never date a workoholic, and never take first dates to my bed! Funnily, they keep happening again and again with me!!

I just jumped from one topic to another, let me just go back onto the original one. At times when i am not so cynical, i feel like i should just let things pass on, let time pass, may be this is just the phaze i’m going through… that we are going through! But i’m not at all sure! Anyways, Thats all to it now i guess! Cant just keep worrying about it all the time.

Late Goodnight!
*Beams my self up, to Enterprize *

This is a Chat Transcript of me and an Admirer of mine, KWH . He’s been in my net life since year 2001. And he cares for me so much, that at times I feel bad for not loving him the way he loves me. But anyways, whenever he talks to me, he makes my day!

starts …………..
KWH ( 4:31:00 PM): Heyyy.. What are you doing online??
Me (4:31:51 PM): Searching for GAY PORN!! LOL. actually updation of site, what else I can do online?
KWH (4:32:02 PM): do me, do me! lol
Me (4:32:27 PM): nice offer. But thanks; I’ll pass on that
KWH (4:32:53 PM): nahinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, main itna bhi bura to nahin
Me (4:33:27 PM): you’re not at all bad, thats why am passing on that
KWH (4:34:19 PM): ohh i can be bad also
Me (4:34:53 PM): laughs. the bad thing is, if you be good, i’ll feel bad doing you
in this mind frame. And if u be bad, I’ll get pissed off and ignore you:P
KWH (4:35:43 PM): sighs, so anything i do, i am gonna be unworthy
Me (4:36:08 PM): told ya, its just me
KWH (4:36:18 PM): sighs seems like i am the unlucky one
KWH (4:36:24 PM): lol now i am in sad mood
KWH (4:36:31 PM): nah re … it is not u
KWH (4:38:01 PM): what have u got planned for urself after u recover
Me (4:38:30 PM): am not thinking of that at all
KWH (4:39:45 PM): oh why not
Me (4:40:07 PM): i dnt know
KWH (4:40:28 PM): can i ask u something ekta
Me (4:40:36 PM): sure
KWH (4:40:52 PM): what is it that is troubling u
KWH (4:42:00 PM): i am sorry if i am asking something personal
KWH (4:42:04 PM): but just that i worry for u
KWH (4:42:11 PM): and i know something is bothering
Me (4:42:29 PM): smiles.
Me (4:42:37 PM): there are many things to be sorted out, but the inability to move
around isnt lettting me do it.
Me (4:43:24 PM): with regard to work, life and all the stuff. and this bed rest is
somehow gettng to my nerves, that all!
KWH (4:44:09 PM): i can understand, when someone is used to working and being busy , not being able to move around well it is frustrating
KWH (4:44:26 PM): but just think of it this way, this period of bed rest is almost
over
Me (4:44:27 PM): its more than frustruating for me
KWH (4:44:31 PM): just a couple more weeks
KWH (4:45:11 PM): well take it out on me , lol believe me i would be more then
happy to be ur punching bag if it makes u feel better
Me (4:46:17 PM): i cant always just let anyone be punching bag for my pent up
emotions
Me (4:46:37 PM): its soemthing which is mine, and somhow i dnt agree with this.
it’ll be unresponsible on my part to do so!
KWH (4:46:52 PM): i know u cant but atleast sometimes, otherwise just give me a
missed call when u r low, i will call u and definetly entertain u and make u
laugh
KWH (4:47:13 PM): smiles u are really very sensible u know that
Me (4:47:30 PM): well, its a curse, at times i wish i could just be a fucking
coldhearted bitch
KWH (4:47:58 PM): well u cannot be something u are not
KWH (4:48:08 PM): and i know u cannot fake nything
Me (4:48:43 PM): thats a curse again
KWH (4:48:52 PM): nah re
KWH (4:49:12 PM): i cannot fake nything and well honestly i am happy being like
that, I hate fakes
Me (4:49:46 PM): well, that is not good at times, u become vulnerable to things
Me (4:50:00 PM): but anyways i would rahter take the risk of being vulnerable than
to be a fake
KWH (4:50:17 PM): exactly, how i feel
KWH (4:50:26 PM): wow we really do think alike
KWH (4:51:02 PM): see i have been hurt by people too, so i know what u r talking
about, but well learning from mistakes, growing and not repeating same mistakes, that is what one should do. we have brains, must use it
Me (4:51:48 PM): true
KWH (4:53:06 PM): what i am trying to tell u is from what i have seen, in life the
good times and happy times are less and stressful times and well difficult times are more so one must be receptive to the bad times cause that is what constitutes of majority of our life
Me (4:55:09 PM): well its nice to read, but actually hard to do
KWH (4:56:25 PM): i know but well when u have friends with u, who like u and well
are there for u, u should take their help and make it easier
KWH (4:56:29 PM): believe me talking helps
Me (4:57:03 PM): i think i am too egoistic to talk to people
KWH (4:59:19 PM): well dont be like this
KWH (4:59:32 PM): dont talk to everyone
KWH (4:59:41 PM): atleast be open to people who well worry for u
Me (5:00:04 PM): its nice gesture on ur part
KWH (5:00:31 PM): hey Ekta, u know how i feel for u
KWH (5:00:40 PM): it is not a gesture for the heck of it
KWH (5:00:42 PM): i do mean it, believe me i dont know if u know me but i am not the kinds to be like this every anyone and everyone
Me (5:01:32 PM): cool down! i was just appreciating
KWH (5:01:41 PM): lol, i know
KWH (5:01:56 PM): i was just telling u, cause i know sometimes u feel people are
flattering u
KWH (5:02:13 PM): and well are saying things or doing things expecting something in return
Me (5:02:21 PM): most of the times, they are. But i know u arent one of them
KWH (5:02:21 PM): i know, i have seen the people behave around u
KWH (5:02:37 PM): smiles well thank u for understanding me
KWH (5:03:15 PM): lol to lighten things up
KWH (5:03:24 PM): how are things on the romance part of ur life
KWH (5:03:28 PM): met any new targets :P?

Continues…

The wind
Waltzes gentally through the leaves
kissing each one as it passes by
and then continues it’s endless lonely journy

Snowflakes
dance gracefully from a sullen sky
only to fall fataly to a desolate earth
helplessly watching others share their fate.

Ashes fall like tear drops
from the weeping fire
Coating the ground in a
Field of gray snow of sorrow
In rain, those ash of memory
Are turned to mud
And are washed away………..

I hate Valentine’s.

I dont know why. Its funny to celebrate just one day of the year for love. Secondary thought could be, i’ve somehow cease to belive in the hollow show off of love. You dont need to but gifts, or send cards on a particular day to show how much you care. Its spontaneous. Like last night when Joy called up, he was so drunk, so drunk that he didnt make any sense of whatsoever he was speaking. He’s a lawyer, he’s always sure of what he is speaking untill the time he’s drunk. He would just babble, completely. And he ended up saying that, he might just never thought to have another child for rest of his life, cause he knows how jealous i could be. It was melodrama, as much as i say i hate it, it brought me to tears. It was pure, it was not affected by any ‘expectations’ that any boy friend of mine would have, so that i can doubt. It was superb. Like the first time he held me close in his arms, and i felt like i was just a ten yr old again. Forgetting everything else, just being a spoiled naughty kid of his. But he is not around here anymore, We had a very short time to ourselves.

Anyways, done with the sad stories of my life, i had an over all okay day. One old School friend surprized me, by coming to my house and waking me up, though it was twelve in noon when he woke me up:P. This fracture and bed rest has completely fucked up my schedules, have been converted into an owl of sort i guess. insomnia never ceases to leave me.

But he came, and changed it all. When i met him, we had the same spark that we had seen in each other’s eyes while creating pranks with others of our school. We had lost in touch afterwards, but he came back. He was changed, i was changed, but the reflection of emotions in his eyes, were just the same.

It reminded me the song that we used to listen to, together, knowing that someday we’ll be together again, and will sing this song with just the remains of our childhood puppy affairs…

This is where i belong… BoyZone.

Here i stand in the northern rain
And i can’t believe i’m home again
And i can’t believe how nothing’s changed
I’m finding my way

Old park bench where i carved my name
But now it doesn’t stand alone
Cause now the trees have over grown
Many a road that i’ve travelled
That’s led me a stray
Here’s where my heart’s gonna stay

This is where i belong
This is where i come from
No need to shed my tears
Or face my fears anymore
So i won’t walk alone
Taking things on my own
All of the lands i’ve roamed
Memories of my home
They keep beating strong
….Cause this is where i belong!!