This is a Chat Transcript of me and an Admirer of mine, KWH . He’s been in my net life since year 2001. And he cares for me so much, that at times I feel bad for not loving him the way he loves me. But anyways, whenever he talks to me, he makes my day!

starts …………..
KWH ( 4:31:00 PM): Heyyy.. What are you doing online??
Me (4:31:51 PM): Searching for GAY PORN!! LOL. actually updation of site, what else I can do online?
KWH (4:32:02 PM): do me, do me! lol
Me (4:32:27 PM): nice offer. But thanks; I’ll pass on that
KWH (4:32:53 PM): nahinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, main itna bhi bura to nahin
Me (4:33:27 PM): you’re not at all bad, thats why am passing on that
KWH (4:34:19 PM): ohh i can be bad also
Me (4:34:53 PM): laughs. the bad thing is, if you be good, i’ll feel bad doing you
in this mind frame. And if u be bad, I’ll get pissed off and ignore you:P
KWH (4:35:43 PM): sighs, so anything i do, i am gonna be unworthy
Me (4:36:08 PM): told ya, its just me
KWH (4:36:18 PM): sighs seems like i am the unlucky one
KWH (4:36:24 PM): lol now i am in sad mood
KWH (4:36:31 PM): nah re … it is not u
KWH (4:38:01 PM): what have u got planned for urself after u recover
Me (4:38:30 PM): am not thinking of that at all
KWH (4:39:45 PM): oh why not
Me (4:40:07 PM): i dnt know
KWH (4:40:28 PM): can i ask u something ekta
Me (4:40:36 PM): sure
KWH (4:40:52 PM): what is it that is troubling u
KWH (4:42:00 PM): i am sorry if i am asking something personal
KWH (4:42:04 PM): but just that i worry for u
KWH (4:42:11 PM): and i know something is bothering
Me (4:42:29 PM): smiles.
Me (4:42:37 PM): there are many things to be sorted out, but the inability to move
around isnt lettting me do it.
Me (4:43:24 PM): with regard to work, life and all the stuff. and this bed rest is
somehow gettng to my nerves, that all!
KWH (4:44:09 PM): i can understand, when someone is used to working and being busy , not being able to move around well it is frustrating
KWH (4:44:26 PM): but just think of it this way, this period of bed rest is almost
over
Me (4:44:27 PM): its more than frustruating for me
KWH (4:44:31 PM): just a couple more weeks
KWH (4:45:11 PM): well take it out on me , lol believe me i would be more then
happy to be ur punching bag if it makes u feel better
Me (4:46:17 PM): i cant always just let anyone be punching bag for my pent up
emotions
Me (4:46:37 PM): its soemthing which is mine, and somhow i dnt agree with this.
it’ll be unresponsible on my part to do so!
KWH (4:46:52 PM): i know u cant but atleast sometimes, otherwise just give me a
missed call when u r low, i will call u and definetly entertain u and make u
laugh
KWH (4:47:13 PM): smiles u are really very sensible u know that
Me (4:47:30 PM): well, its a curse, at times i wish i could just be a fucking
coldhearted bitch
KWH (4:47:58 PM): well u cannot be something u are not
KWH (4:48:08 PM): and i know u cannot fake nything
Me (4:48:43 PM): thats a curse again
KWH (4:48:52 PM): nah re
KWH (4:49:12 PM): i cannot fake nything and well honestly i am happy being like
that, I hate fakes
Me (4:49:46 PM): well, that is not good at times, u become vulnerable to things
Me (4:50:00 PM): but anyways i would rahter take the risk of being vulnerable than
to be a fake
KWH (4:50:17 PM): exactly, how i feel
KWH (4:50:26 PM): wow we really do think alike
KWH (4:51:02 PM): see i have been hurt by people too, so i know what u r talking
about, but well learning from mistakes, growing and not repeating same mistakes, that is what one should do. we have brains, must use it
Me (4:51:48 PM): true
KWH (4:53:06 PM): what i am trying to tell u is from what i have seen, in life the
good times and happy times are less and stressful times and well difficult times are more so one must be receptive to the bad times cause that is what constitutes of majority of our life
Me (4:55:09 PM): well its nice to read, but actually hard to do
KWH (4:56:25 PM): i know but well when u have friends with u, who like u and well
are there for u, u should take their help and make it easier
KWH (4:56:29 PM): believe me talking helps
Me (4:57:03 PM): i think i am too egoistic to talk to people
KWH (4:59:19 PM): well dont be like this
KWH (4:59:32 PM): dont talk to everyone
KWH (4:59:41 PM): atleast be open to people who well worry for u
Me (5:00:04 PM): its nice gesture on ur part
KWH (5:00:31 PM): hey Ekta, u know how i feel for u
KWH (5:00:40 PM): it is not a gesture for the heck of it
KWH (5:00:42 PM): i do mean it, believe me i dont know if u know me but i am not the kinds to be like this every anyone and everyone
Me (5:01:32 PM): cool down! i was just appreciating
KWH (5:01:41 PM): lol, i know
KWH (5:01:56 PM): i was just telling u, cause i know sometimes u feel people are
flattering u
KWH (5:02:13 PM): and well are saying things or doing things expecting something in return
Me (5:02:21 PM): most of the times, they are. But i know u arent one of them
KWH (5:02:21 PM): i know, i have seen the people behave around u
KWH (5:02:37 PM): smiles well thank u for understanding me
KWH (5:03:15 PM): lol to lighten things up
KWH (5:03:24 PM): how are things on the romance part of ur life
KWH (5:03:28 PM): met any new targets :P?

Continues…

The wind
Waltzes gentally through the leaves
kissing each one as it passes by
and then continues it’s endless lonely journy

Snowflakes
dance gracefully from a sullen sky
only to fall fataly to a desolate earth
helplessly watching others share their fate.

Ashes fall like tear drops
from the weeping fire
Coating the ground in a
Field of gray snow of sorrow
In rain, those ash of memory
Are turned to mud
And are washed away………..

I hate Valentine’s.

I dont know why. Its funny to celebrate just one day of the year for love. Secondary thought could be, i’ve somehow cease to belive in the hollow show off of love. You dont need to but gifts, or send cards on a particular day to show how much you care. Its spontaneous. Like last night when Joy called up, he was so drunk, so drunk that he didnt make any sense of whatsoever he was speaking. He’s a lawyer, he’s always sure of what he is speaking untill the time he’s drunk. He would just babble, completely. And he ended up saying that, he might just never thought to have another child for rest of his life, cause he knows how jealous i could be. It was melodrama, as much as i say i hate it, it brought me to tears. It was pure, it was not affected by any ‘expectations’ that any boy friend of mine would have, so that i can doubt. It was superb. Like the first time he held me close in his arms, and i felt like i was just a ten yr old again. Forgetting everything else, just being a spoiled naughty kid of his. But he is not around here anymore, We had a very short time to ourselves.

Anyways, done with the sad stories of my life, i had an over all okay day. One old School friend surprized me, by coming to my house and waking me up, though it was twelve in noon when he woke me up:P. This fracture and bed rest has completely fucked up my schedules, have been converted into an owl of sort i guess. insomnia never ceases to leave me.

But he came, and changed it all. When i met him, we had the same spark that we had seen in each other’s eyes while creating pranks with others of our school. We had lost in touch afterwards, but he came back. He was changed, i was changed, but the reflection of emotions in his eyes, were just the same.

It reminded me the song that we used to listen to, together, knowing that someday we’ll be together again, and will sing this song with just the remains of our childhood puppy affairs…

This is where i belong… BoyZone.

Here i stand in the northern rain
And i can’t believe i’m home again
And i can’t believe how nothing’s changed
I’m finding my way

Old park bench where i carved my name
But now it doesn’t stand alone
Cause now the trees have over grown
Many a road that i’ve travelled
That’s led me a stray
Here’s where my heart’s gonna stay

This is where i belong
This is where i come from
No need to shed my tears
Or face my fears anymore
So i won’t walk alone
Taking things on my own
All of the lands i’ve roamed
Memories of my home
They keep beating strong
….Cause this is where i belong!!

The week was totally unforgettable for me, cause i was with Joy, Almost 20 hours a day. LAst Week Of Dec was the one i never had before, in my entire life, I was meeting him… finally!!

Let me Share Who Joy is, Joy is the friend, philosopher, guide, family, and mentor for me. He’s 10 yrs elder than me, He’s the brother that i never had, he’s the mother that i will never have! Spooky, of course. But he means a lot to me.

We are from different corners of india, He from East (Kolkata) And Me from West(Ahmedabad). We’ve lived in different cultures, still we are same, atleast thats what he thinks :P.

Though we have met on the medium of net, we’ve kept our touch more offline than online… We’ve been quite close from almost a year now. This Post is the tribute to the Year i spent with him. This February 9th, was the first time that we talked to each other private, even though we had known each other as members of a same yahoo group from year or so.

Sighs!! And then it begun. We exchanged numbers and addresses eventually. Writing each other letters, and calling each other when schedules let us. We’ve gone through much, We have had throughout the night talks, we have had our fights, even we curse each other all the time. Still he is the most loved person of my life, as much as i love my dad, i love him. He’s the one i can just call up in middle of the night, and whine about how things in life arent going the way i want them to, or to just curse the one i’m dating right now and how i seem to always fall for the WRONG one!!

In short, I love him. For who he is, for who he is to me. And this is to Thank Him, to tell him that no matter what, we’ll always be there for eachother!

For the folks out there
who cared for me enough to sent me quesries full of worries….

i was caught up in a terrible accident on 6th January 2005. Gladly no major injuries, just fracture in right leg- sole, implanted wires and nails.

Anyways having complete bedrest these days. and absolutely enjoying the calmness with the enrmous pain ( hate painkillers!!)

will be back soon, once recovered.

well, when was the last time you felt grumpy, sad without any reason, impulsive and dangerous?

For me, it is a constant state of mind when i am going through my menstruation days, each month. Just like it started last sunday.

For some weird reason i am at the peak of my creativity/destructivity these days. I end up with one of the bests and also one of the worsts. its beautiful yet painful. its happiness in misery. its the rollar coaster ride where i do not know when is the next dive/turn and how long and deep/high that is.

its 4:30 in the morning, havent slept throughout the night, watched a movie “city of angels” and cried at the end of it. Simplest yet strongest of all emotions, love and sadness. i wonder how rare the count would be who wouldnt be touched by the emotions of that movie. Anyways crying made me feel a little better. but its not the release. my emotional release is nowhere around. i talked to Ember last night, and as i told him about what and how i wished to bring out the sadist in me, he could only say “… i am scared of you.”

Well, its funny at times, and also scary to see him say such things, he is the purest of all the SAMs (smart assed machoists) and i do not mind, infact i love it in him. he has his remarks and pretty tricks and all, and i love the play nonetheless. But i am sure he knows what he is dealing with when i am reckless with all the hormones and cruel thoughts.

i definately think of edgy stuff, something that makes me feel i want to create the destruction. well hey, few people do get a turn on by destruction, and it turns me on, as well as calms me down in a way. i think of imaginary highly propped and active fantasies, and sometimes simply cruel. Comeon, Think of a dungeon in hell, where i’m wraping a man in an aluminium foil after stabbing him deep with fork, sprinkling lime juice, salt and pepper over his flesh, and then putting him on barbeque, and smugly watch him burn and die over the fire….. well, scary? yeah i guess. but it isnt. not for him. Cause actually its not familiar for him. Its a fantasy. he amusingly listen and smirk over it saying, “you have a fork, foil and spices if not the fires of hell.”

But it did scare him when i told him the simply cruel plans of mine. the visions that i have, the day dreams of me in my simple black jeans and top, and him in his t-shirt and trousers. And the leather belt of mine, that i would want to lash it out on him, like hell. If he fights back, then may be cruelar than before, Marking his skin with my sadist emotions, and making him bleed. and then the visions of seeing him in tears, curled up in the corner starked naked except for the fresh welts on his skin.

And as i say this all to him, scared as he is, he still replies with a rather afraid then a smart ass comment that i wouldnt hurt him. May be cause i dont have any logical reason, and for the fact that i love him, it would make it more hard for me to hurt him. i might beat the hell out of him, but i couldnt *hurt* him. Well, it took me nothing but a silence as a reply to make him realize that i could.

… and may be i would. To me, destruction never needs a reason, its just a need of my mind that pours out for real just like i do when i create something, such as writing. And (un)fortunately its also as rare as i write a poem. ( luckily i dnt write frequent :P)