Finally it happened…

… I got reminded of him… LL. The person I wished I could let go and forget… well may be just forget. *sigh*

It was a harsh blow when it happened, I took it well though, but it just made me think of what I was doing. I was acting as if I did not even remember his existence in my life, cause somehow it always made me feel that it had been my unadulterated idiocy to let it all go. And all this years that has past since he’s gone, I believe I had let my character be exploited for his good. But then again, I can’t condemn him absolutely, as it was my verdict primarily. I knew he would not be mine, he wouldn’t be domesticated, yet I went on, may be too asinine to realize I was falling for him cause I wanted to prove me audacious. Or may be I was too frail to let go of the only opportunity of my puppy love getting contented.

Yes, we were 17. He was the very first guy I had a crush on. He was elegant and susceptible, well… He isn’t deceased yet, so yeah, He IS elegant and susceptible. I loved him for that. But I still feel frivolous about the whole thing; I fucking knew he would not be tied down. He was to have but not to hold. And still, I was adamant on letting it go further. I knew him, more than he knew himself. I knew his dreams, I knew his aspirations. I was his best pal after all, the only one with whom he has shared those longings, sitting over at the uppermost terrace of his residence while we watched dazzling sunrises after a long night of nattering. I knew I was not the end of the road; I was the hand to draw him on his course, and then let him leave to hunt his own destiny. And of course I did that. I treasured him, I cared for him, I cherished him, and I helped him along his potential path. All for what, to let him hit the road one day. Oh yeah, all the theory of uncontaminated love had gotten to my cranium; I was making an epic sacrifice. May be I was being the grown-up one… Or may be I was the most absurd of all.

Can’t say he didn’t adore me. He did. He respected me nonetheless, always, as the best friend. But at the very start I thought, I could transform him with my love in those years that I had prior to his departure. He did change. I did help him evolve, till the point where one more stride, and he could have mine. I could have egoistically had him for life. But I didn’t do it; I had determined to let him go. I had effectively managed to keep him one step too far from me. Yet, he wasn’t the one to hold responsible here as well. He constantly accepted things the way I wanted him to accept. If I would settle on staying away, he would accept it. I recall the time we spent together, and I believe, inspite of all he loved me. The latent transparency in his emotions that I brought out was one of the most attractive things about him. He looked so innocent when he told me of his ambitions with haze of passion in his eyes. He looked so angelic, when I used to hold him close on those painful nights, and I would feel his tears of misery on my fingertips. He looked so pure, when out of the blue; he would look at me, and say, I love you, for teaching me to be me.

In those last days together, sitting in the balcony in sheer darkness, covered in chilly embrace of the night, was the only blissful solitude I had. He would be in same house, but he wouldn’t dare come there, he was scared of the very darkness I was so fond of. Yes, he was scared of it. I had even noticed that in childhood, he used to outsmart us in the game of Hide n Seek, always finding a way out not to get his eyes under the blindfold. I had observed, and then he had admitted it to me later on.

The D-day arrived; my role in this play was about to end. And I had gladly decided I was going to suffer for the rest of my life, for letting go of my first love. It was early evening, when I was sitting outside in the balcony again, my knees pulled up, with my arms around my knees, holding my self uptight, ready to accept the reality. He had the evening flight, and then onwards we were never going to see each other, or hear from each other. That was the thing I decided. May be it was for good. May be it was for best.

He figured I would be there, as I saw him walk to me and sit before, with his tearful eyes. I couldn’t see him in pain; I was to be the strong one. I had to wind it up soon, no long stretched goodbyes. I directly told him; I wouldn’t go with him to see him off at airport, no melodramas. This would be the last time we see each other, and he was not to contact me first for the rest of our lives. I would be the one initiating it, if I wanted. He protested for a moment, but I stopped him midway, I told him it was for the sack of my dignity. He nodded, accepting as he always did. He managed to not break down, and I managed to smile. He didn’t say a word more, but hold my hand and passed me a piece of scribbled paper. He kept looking at my eyes, as I opened the paper and read it. It was a poem. A rhyming one. He worked hard to make it rhyme. His effort brought me a smile, and he felt good being the one to bring me that smile.

After a long silence, I pulled out the scarf around my neck, and asked him for a last favor. He nodded again, and I continued, “Shall we have a last play of our favorite game, Hide and seek?” He was puzzled for a moment, but then he understood. I looked at him, the wind from sideways ran through his silky locks of hairs, ruffling them over his big dreamy eyes. I wished I could just stop the time, and have this moment frozen for the rest of my life, of him sitting and looking at me like that. He took the scarf from my fingers and slid closer to me for the quick hug, neither of us wanted it to be so close that it breaks the control over the tears. Next he stood up and wrapped the scarf around my head, covering my eyes. Even though it was early evening, I was in the darkness again, the darkness that was there to hold me whenever I felt alone, the darkness that was there to keep me sane. Everything was still, I could hear nothing, but I could still smell his scent linger about me. It stayed there for long time, so did I. Hours passed like that, and I remained there, plunged into darkness of my own, never wishing to leave its peaceful embrace, with the torn paper in my clenched fist, holding onto the last memoirs of my bravery. His scent fade, so did the evening light.

I took off the scarf from my eyes, knowing it was dark again. Knowing I would never try to find him. Knowing I wouldn’t cry.

I did neither, cry or search to get him back. I knew I wasn’t the one for him. Then why wasting it. Why causing my self more harm than what has already been done, But I’ve still saved that paper, that piece scribbled poetry… my prize of defeat…so much for my honor! So less for my crave!

May be i would share that with you someday, just may be…

but till then…. i would be listening to this…

” …. What if i had never let you go?
would you be the man i used to know?
if i stayed … if you tried…
if we could only turn the time..
but i guess..
we’ll never know….”

Can you trust a person you’ve met right away??
Or let me change the format of the question,
How long do you think does it take for you to trust someone??

That was supposed to be a query that I was going to inquire my self, but now I have come down to just make it civic and blog it out. I believe that the answer to it is personal and it depends on particulars, which vary for each individual, so I’m in point of fact inquisitive to know everyone’s observation. What I mean by that question is, when you get to identify a name for the first time, and then you develop adequate imminence to share hush-hush that you’ve not shared with regular acquaintances. How long does it take for you, to take that leap from the first step of the ladder to the last step?

More often than not people will say that they will give it a time, to know the other one better. But the majority of the time what a person in fact does is to keep him on lookout all the time. Like a comrade of mine says, not to commit a gaffe of trusting people too much too soon.

But what it means to be early, or for that matter the-right-time to be open and be your self??!! In many cases, it has occurred paradoxically that after years you establish the trust on someone and he/she might contravene your trust. I’m not discussing about exceptions… its merely a subject of perception rather. You perceive that ‘then’ is the correct time to be intimate, so you go along, then you might get hurt cause it has led you to unlike finale then what you had expected. So from then on, for next time you become slight ‘more’ cautious and slight less trusting than before! The cynic cycle never ends. Of course, it’s a multifaceted human nature… and everyone perform in dissimilar approach. But Again, If you don’t open up and continue to remain distant, then you may never know if you could ever trust him/her, as you are just so wrapped up keeping yourself away from the probable injure. If I have to be downright rational, I would say, if one day or another you ARE going to take the plunge to see where its going to escort you, then why not right then?

Its a different matter altogether if you do not see your relation going that way, you may just very well remain courteous friends throughout your lives. But if you do seek ’some’ future of that camaraderie, you are to risk things later, if not right then. So what’s the point of entire getting-into-it-step-by-step-being-too-insecure-to-trust? To me it seems like unrealistic, impractical waste of time.

If I were to be in a position like that, I would definitely go with intuition. I strongly believe that, what you feel is right for you, is exactly what is right for you. You feel positive about something, you go on. If you don’t, then you make a U turn. That’s as easy as we can make it. Of course opinions vary.. and brickbats are more than welcome. : D

The point of the post is, I’ve just been in the same place of being introduced to somebody. Its been somewhere around 24 hours and we’ve spent most of them conversing with interest, and I’ve of course acted with my intuition. But anyhow, the Question still remains unanswered…

The only day in week when I’m actually watching out for late night reiterate telecasts of undersized film kind of series on Star Plus… Called “Star Bestsellers”

The excellent element about them is, Every time they’ve surfaced with an exclusively splendid *new* notion. It’s invigorating to see those where every other Hindi channel will either be wedged on melodrama [purely "Ekta-kapoor" Kind of Rona-Dhona Daily sops], or Hindi movies [which aren't any different from them anyways!!]

So yes, today I saw a first-rate shortie on star best sellers … called “The End”. Written by “Rohit Dev Malhotra”, now this gentleman is quite known to me. He’s not the rona-dhona archetypal playwright. He experiments, with new subject, at times litigious, and entirely dissimilar from others. May be that’s the raison d’être that he’s not triumphant, as “Janta” Of India wouldn’t accept that sort of script. They would quite prefer the typicality. Phew! I’m not going to write more about how I feel on that painstaking stuff, so getting back to the subject matter of this blogpost… I did love seeing that film [of course I had seen it before, it was just a 100th repeat of it that I watched...] However there were some setbacks there that I couldn’t help notice, the story line wasn’t in that much of the grip of the writer, means at times he tend to go off tangents. There were some extremes that he not only crossed but also made them appear like bizarre. Again, it’s just my opinion. Each one to his own, right?!

Anyway, For the readers who haven’t seen that episode, I shall shortly be putting up the synopsis here on blog. For the readers who already have seen it, I’ve a second part of that post, which shall contain my way of the ending of the story! Something for both kinds!!! Keep watching! And don’t change the channel, cause infomercials are part of life, and also… Exists Everywhere!

Ciao.
Ektz.

Do we really need to do this to sell a movie??!! The same happened with the movie Rog, the Almost naked pics of the actress were all over the place, kinda put me off the mood to watch that one! Though after reading suarbh’s reviews on his Blog, i am going despo over the new Keeanu reeves Flick.

The chill of winter had already started loosing its effect, as the Valentine’s Day was warming the love in so evermore abandoned hearts. But it was tranquil chill all about me, within me. The chill that I’d someway treasured, whether or not loved. But who was I to censure; it was I, who had lost the faith, who had lost the credence. It was I, who had lost the passion… the craze.

He walks into my domain, fully clad in ashen white, the color of angel. As I turn to see who has approached in at those late hours of darkness, I could affirm I saw a halo above his head, identical to his radiant smile. Beyond the qualms, it was he. It was my redeemer, my seraph, who has come for me, to embrace me, to cherish me. Perhaps he also sensed the reserve. Even though I wanted him to reside away from me tonight more than ever, I needed him to make me feel warm once more. Almost as if he knew what he is supposed to do, He bit by bit steps into my sphere of dreadful hurt, the substantial restrictions that I’d formed. He gets on to his knees, in front of my bed, with so much elegance that it almost make me throb for his touch. I can feel his breath; I can sense his heartbeat, relaxed and warm. I inhale deep, propping my self up on my elbow, staring at him wordlessly, grimly, ambiguously impassive.

Blanket that has enclosed my body - merely a barricade amid us, as I stay unmoving. Our gaze mate, reverberating each other’s needs, desires. He is the one to converse initially, ” Our life is like a piano, there are white bliss keys, there are black pain keys, but we must bear in mind that black and white keys together, generates supreme of all symphonies.”

Silence chase me like a fly to a fire. He smiles… his angelic smile. And continues, ” I know you’ve gone through a lot, you’ve suffered, your innocence was traumatized for bodily desires of a cunning man. There may be nothing that I could say that would make you whole for a second time…”

I am shaken, as I am reminded of the past. The precedent that was more or less elapsed, but still breathing somewhere within me. The Darkness is converting itself into a fog by then, getting thicker and thicker around me as seconds pass like time without end. He carries on, “But I can propose what I contain…” He closes in against me, leisurely pulling away my blanket, revealing me to his tender affection.

He breaks the awkward silence after a few long moments, gazing directly into my eyes, searching for the hope that has been dead from a few years. “I Offer ‘ME’… I surrender my self, unreserved. I yield my soul to you, if that would reconstruct your faith.” He stays on his knees, letting the lexis descend in, letting the eyes do the residual talk.

I am feeling unexplainable sentiments, the razor-sharp sting of love inflowing my heart, making me feel chaste again… making me yearn to immediately leave all the horrendous belongings of damage for a jiffy and to strive to trust on ‘love’ again. He goes on, ” I’m yours, to make or to break. I would hold no hatred, no penitence for what you do to me tonight. I feel for you so much, that its shattering my heart to see you hurting. I necessitate you back, healed, in return I want your ache in whatever shape you desire to extract.”

I seize him by his neck with my fingers, so firm that he’s incapable to inhale. How could he stab into my wounds like that and attempt to draw me out, how could he just make me vulnerable by acting as god!? It rages me, to my core. I’m trembling, like on inferno. He is still looking at me, with a smile, not struggling but courageously accepting it. If he would have wanted it, he could have thrown me away like a rag doll. But my White Knight in Shining Armour has shown his guts. He has kept his word.

Almost a minute passes, I could see the veins on his temple almost bulging due to lack of air, and he still says nothing, does nothing. For a moment he closes his eyes, and opens them back to look at me with untainted adore, nothing else. He whispers, ” Eradicate me if it is your need of vengeance, but remember, I’m yours and will always be…”

His voice turns down to nil, as he closes his eyes again. He has accomplished. The pain is slowly flowing down through my eyes, in purest of its all forms… tears. I have dragged my self away from him, my tearful face between my hands. Past a flash second, he reaches up, lays a hand on me for the first time, takes my hands away from my face and looks into my eyes… “You’re brave. You recognize your belief in me; you’ve faith in my love. Just let the aged wounds diminish its venom with the tears tonight… and let tomorrow be a new-fangled day…”

He cradles me into his arms, so secure that I could feel me melting in, being one with him. I’m feeling a piece of me have come alive, like I could stroke its velvety live facade with my intellect. May be I’ve got what I’ve craved for, may be I’ve finally regained the faith. May be now I had departed from my wounds.

May be… Just may be…

I asked Joy:

Why it happens that the relationship you had with someone that felt so superb, so deep, and so intense, just turns into a piece of shit that you cant carry along anymore??

He replied:

Thats life, sweetheart! Maturity is to learn to live with things that we can’t change!

After an hour’s worth of blah blah blah… about how i am afraid to loose the feeling that i’m in love with Ember, where in reality that relationship is fading away slowly. I can feel it, leaving me. I can feel it, diminishing. And i cant help but mourn. He is supposed to be the ONE!! After Three thousand Dates, he was the one i connected so deeply to. Its been Three years after that, and i’ve never loved anyone else like i loved him. [ Joy comes into total different column under the topic love, so no comparison there! ]

Its not like we’re breaking up, we are just moving away from each other. We still talk to each other, no contempt held against. But something’s missing. The passion that was there before. Anyway this LDR [long distance relationship] is being Royal pain in Ass! And to think of it, I had decided that LDR is particularly the thing i wouldnt get into, when i was 16. I had made a list of things that i would never do, such as, i would never go for LDR, never date a workoholic, and never take first dates to my bed! Funnily, they keep happening again and again with me!!

I just jumped from one topic to another, let me just go back onto the original one. At times when i am not so cynical, i feel like i should just let things pass on, let time pass, may be this is just the phaze i’m going through… that we are going through! But i’m not at all sure! Anyways, Thats all to it now i guess! Cant just keep worrying about it all the time.

Late Goodnight!
*Beams my self up, to Enterprize *