It rained so damn heavy, it still is. i know the reason…

This is notthe first time it is happening. this is not the last time even…. If actually i could, i wouldnt stop it. Somehow i enjoy the rain, so much. The stormy winds, the loud flashy thunder, the heavy rain that fogs the sky so much that i cant even see anything apart from my close proximity.

Its the moment of nothingness, seems you dont even exists, there is no past, no beginning, no worries, no thoughts, just the water that tries to drown you in the fall… the frozen moment, that i enjoy with no
concious thought.

Some years back, probably in year 2000 it rained the same, so so heavy. And that time i used to be with “ll”, my first partner with whom i spent many years of kink.
We loved rain, and we used to have this terrace trips all the time. We used to bring his watermatress(waterbed) out ;but a little away from the open terrace and lie on it… watching the rain pour all over the place… dripping time to time on us too. Then We used to make love.

I suddenly remember a time like that when i was on terrace with him. i remembered how i stopped him in the middle of the foreplay when he had taken his clothes off and was unbuttoning mine. He had this look into his eyes, which was close to devotion and pure love.

i had always enjoyed seeing that in his innocent eyes. That time i remember i told him to take a few steps back. He thought i wanted to see him more properly and so smilingly he did that. Oh boy, he did not know what i wanted to see on him… Smiles.
So then i made him go for more two steps, everytime that he took them, i added the same count, till he was almost outside on terrace. He was shivering yet he was safely away from the direct heavy fall of rain. After a silence i got up and stood in front if him, two steps away. And with deliberate precision, asked him to take two more steps back.

He knew what i wanted now. He closed his eyes, and he did it, this time he was directly under the fall. The storm was heavy and we were at fifth floor. He was shivering damn bad. I motioned him to kneel down as he looked at me intense, he complied again to my wishes . I directed him to grab and hold his ankles with his palms, spreading his self opwn.
In a moment he did it pulling his chest high, even though he was not able to keep his self up for more. I just looked at him, he had just closed his eyes, shivering.

That moment was a pure bliss, as i had one of the best Orgasm looking at his strength, devotion, and desire to fulfill my wishes…

And it will remain so.. for a life time….

Morning!!

I unexpectedly open my eyes with a start; in fact by some means I’ve felt him looking at me. My qualms get confirmed, as his angelic face is so close to me, watching me as he is lying by my side. Nearly staring.. Intense. I fall short to portray the strength. He has locked my eyes to his; the gaze is strapping and pulling. There is a mix bag of emotions in his stare; it’s a amalgamation of love, lust, desire, struggle and sovereignty. I feel it scuttle through me with his warm exhale of breath, pouring himself, his vigor into my entire being… we remain looking at each other and there is no need for substantial contact. His eyes touch my psyche, struggling so frantically that I can’t help setting him free. He is the ‘just-right’ man of my life. So far he has survived with my imperfections, harmonizing it, so shall I. he senses it and beams, vanishing away leisurely into the haze. He has touched my soul right through; he has felt the affection, even the freeze of it. And now he is dragging his hand away from me.. Leaving a exposed vulnerability from where I allow him within. It crushes me but I will have to be daring enough to tolerate. I see him fading more, almost translucent, turning into ashen fog watched by my eyes. And I possibly will just lie there and observe. There isn’t any way I could imprison and seize the fog. He is bound yet free. His freedom is precious to him, and strangely enough it’s essential to me too. He has held onto it from a long time.. But he does comprehend that at the bottom of his heart, his liberty is mine too. May be someday I will claim it, someday he will be my strong brave knight and surrender it up to me….

My Bloginality is ESTP!!!

You are an ESTP!

As an ESTP, you are Extraverted, Sensing, Thinking, Perceiving.This makes your primary focus on Extraverted Sensing with Introverted Thinking.

This is defined as a SP personality, which is part of Carl Jung’s Artisans (Sensation Seeking) type, and more specifically the Promoters or Doers.

Because you aren’t as excited about routine, your blog may be more journal-like, without as much consistantcy in time between posts. But because you like getting things done, coupled with your need for style and appreciation for the sense, you will be more likely to have a gorgeous design and set up for journalling.

Today i was playing a game of chess with a friend.

Thought i would strech the game till eternity, cause i cant let him win, nor i would want to loose. And i lost. It was a timed game!!!

I couldnt stretch it to eternity, it was not allowed in rules. Not everygame follows my rules.

It made me wonder why rules??

Does winning matters or that did i play the game by the rules or not??

Afterall a game is played cause one wants to compare the abilities and winning does matter in that case. For more Everyone have their own different abilities.. so winning is the only way to find the answer. Look at it like a war game. Either you win or you die. There is no playing by the rules as you are not sure wether your enemy will play by the rules or not!!
Captured in the thinking for the night, will sleep through it tonight!

And may be tomorrow i will start another game and decide then if i want to play it to win, or play it with rules!!

First july and Full moon was the night, where it all started…

A sudden realization, a surreal experience, intertwined with a mysterious outcome. It was one of the very intense times it made me realize how much difficult it is for me to stay away from him.. my precious one.

So far whatever that has happened between us in the years that passed, it had been miraculously ‘bonding’. He is indded so special to me, for more he has been a part of my surreal reality for life. The comfort i had, the security of his love, that has helped me keep moving on. And somehow from a few weeks, it wasnt there. HE wasnt there, due to his own needs.

Full moon. I think about it over and over again. My friend tells me that i will convert him soon into my kind. i dont wish to, not so soon. so may be its better to have him away till he is very sure, till i am very sure.

till the time, he can just enjoy the freedom of his life. *smiles*

Journal Entry for tonight ~ 1st July.

i believe that when you think things arent going right, you are right. and all you need to do is, to change it. But sometimes it asks for a great courage to do so. Do i have it in me? do i need to change it all? Should i even think about reconsidering my needs and wants?? I dont have answer. Answer is what i am searching for.. Its in the sight, just below my horizon.. but Just Below!!

its almost unbelieveably true that still i will be taking the decision. The decision that may change all the stuff around me. That may come with hurt, it may come with pain. But may be thats what i got to do!!

Its full moon.

As i watch out of the silkly swaying curtains of my roomwindow, i can see it.. in its full glory.. staring me back.

Feels like i want to do somthing so insane that next morning i wont even believe my self that i did it.

But may be thats what i got to do!!

I cannot stay in this house any more. Seeing your picture sends a shiver down my spine, smelling your scent that won’t leave… I can’t take it. I take a walk out and breathe in some cool night air. I am trying to clear my head, but all I can think of is the bloody death of you.

Ok, so I’m imagining your death, but it won’t leave. I have visions of turning the next corner and seeing you hung with an arrow through your heart. There is a note on the arrow. I cannot make out what it says, but it is definitely my handwriting…

I feel so tense. Each time I hear a remotely loud noise I jump out of my skin. My whole body is shaking, vibrating. I look up at the tall buildings leaning overhead. I can picture your face in the window. You’re laughing. You don’t look happy, but you’re laughing. I turn my head sharply away; of course that was my imagination. You don’t even live near here.

God Dammit, look what you’ve done to me. You and your petty schemes. Your plots to ruin my life. I think of the lies you told me, how much I meant to you. You’re like every other, yet so much worse. You are pure evil.
I turn down a dark alleyway, dimly lit. Paranoia makes me turn to check nobody follows, and I continue walking aimlessly into the city. As I walk around the corner in the ally, I see something. It’s a body. I can’t make it out from where I stand, so I move closer. It is like my nightmare, my visions becoming real. There you are, hanging. You have an arrow through your chest, with a note.

I shake my head, “Damn visions. See what my hate for you has leaded to??” And as I turn back round to carry on, there you are. You’re still hanging on the wall. You still have an arrow through your heart, and it still has a note. I try to scream, but nothing comes out. I try to turn and run, but my feet are stuck to the ground. So instead, I take the note and try to make it out. I cannot work out the handwriting, but it says,

“Just A Little Favor…”