Do we really need to do this to sell a movie??!! The same happened with the movie Rog, the Almost naked pics of the actress were all over the place, kinda put me off the mood to watch that one! Though after reading suarbh’s reviews on his Blog, i am going despo over the new Keeanu reeves Flick.

The chill of winter had already started loosing its effect, as the Valentine’s Day was warming the love in so evermore abandoned hearts. But it was tranquil chill all about me, within me. The chill that I’d someway treasured, whether or not loved. But who was I to censure; it was I, who had lost the faith, who had lost the credence. It was I, who had lost the passion… the craze.

He walks into my domain, fully clad in ashen white, the color of angel. As I turn to see who has approached in at those late hours of darkness, I could affirm I saw a halo above his head, identical to his radiant smile. Beyond the qualms, it was he. It was my redeemer, my seraph, who has come for me, to embrace me, to cherish me. Perhaps he also sensed the reserve. Even though I wanted him to reside away from me tonight more than ever, I needed him to make me feel warm once more. Almost as if he knew what he is supposed to do, He bit by bit steps into my sphere of dreadful hurt, the substantial restrictions that I’d formed. He gets on to his knees, in front of my bed, with so much elegance that it almost make me throb for his touch. I can feel his breath; I can sense his heartbeat, relaxed and warm. I inhale deep, propping my self up on my elbow, staring at him wordlessly, grimly, ambiguously impassive.

Blanket that has enclosed my body - merely a barricade amid us, as I stay unmoving. Our gaze mate, reverberating each other’s needs, desires. He is the one to converse initially, ” Our life is like a piano, there are white bliss keys, there are black pain keys, but we must bear in mind that black and white keys together, generates supreme of all symphonies.”

Silence chase me like a fly to a fire. He smiles… his angelic smile. And continues, ” I know you’ve gone through a lot, you’ve suffered, your innocence was traumatized for bodily desires of a cunning man. There may be nothing that I could say that would make you whole for a second time…”

I am shaken, as I am reminded of the past. The precedent that was more or less elapsed, but still breathing somewhere within me. The Darkness is converting itself into a fog by then, getting thicker and thicker around me as seconds pass like time without end. He carries on, “But I can propose what I contain…” He closes in against me, leisurely pulling away my blanket, revealing me to his tender affection.

He breaks the awkward silence after a few long moments, gazing directly into my eyes, searching for the hope that has been dead from a few years. “I Offer ‘ME’… I surrender my self, unreserved. I yield my soul to you, if that would reconstruct your faith.” He stays on his knees, letting the lexis descend in, letting the eyes do the residual talk.

I am feeling unexplainable sentiments, the razor-sharp sting of love inflowing my heart, making me feel chaste again… making me yearn to immediately leave all the horrendous belongings of damage for a jiffy and to strive to trust on ‘love’ again. He goes on, ” I’m yours, to make or to break. I would hold no hatred, no penitence for what you do to me tonight. I feel for you so much, that its shattering my heart to see you hurting. I necessitate you back, healed, in return I want your ache in whatever shape you desire to extract.”

I seize him by his neck with my fingers, so firm that he’s incapable to inhale. How could he stab into my wounds like that and attempt to draw me out, how could he just make me vulnerable by acting as god!? It rages me, to my core. I’m trembling, like on inferno. He is still looking at me, with a smile, not struggling but courageously accepting it. If he would have wanted it, he could have thrown me away like a rag doll. But my White Knight in Shining Armour has shown his guts. He has kept his word.

Almost a minute passes, I could see the veins on his temple almost bulging due to lack of air, and he still says nothing, does nothing. For a moment he closes his eyes, and opens them back to look at me with untainted adore, nothing else. He whispers, ” Eradicate me if it is your need of vengeance, but remember, I’m yours and will always be…”

His voice turns down to nil, as he closes his eyes again. He has accomplished. The pain is slowly flowing down through my eyes, in purest of its all forms… tears. I have dragged my self away from him, my tearful face between my hands. Past a flash second, he reaches up, lays a hand on me for the first time, takes my hands away from my face and looks into my eyes… “You’re brave. You recognize your belief in me; you’ve faith in my love. Just let the aged wounds diminish its venom with the tears tonight… and let tomorrow be a new-fangled day…”

He cradles me into his arms, so secure that I could feel me melting in, being one with him. I’m feeling a piece of me have come alive, like I could stroke its velvety live facade with my intellect. May be I’ve got what I’ve craved for, may be I’ve finally regained the faith. May be now I had departed from my wounds.

May be… Just may be…

I asked Joy:

Why it happens that the relationship you had with someone that felt so superb, so deep, and so intense, just turns into a piece of shit that you cant carry along anymore??

He replied:

Thats life, sweetheart! Maturity is to learn to live with things that we can’t change!

After an hour’s worth of blah blah blah… about how i am afraid to loose the feeling that i’m in love with Ember, where in reality that relationship is fading away slowly. I can feel it, leaving me. I can feel it, diminishing. And i cant help but mourn. He is supposed to be the ONE!! After Three thousand Dates, he was the one i connected so deeply to. Its been Three years after that, and i’ve never loved anyone else like i loved him. [ Joy comes into total different column under the topic love, so no comparison there! ]

Its not like we’re breaking up, we are just moving away from each other. We still talk to each other, no contempt held against. But something’s missing. The passion that was there before. Anyway this LDR [long distance relationship] is being Royal pain in Ass! And to think of it, I had decided that LDR is particularly the thing i wouldnt get into, when i was 16. I had made a list of things that i would never do, such as, i would never go for LDR, never date a workoholic, and never take first dates to my bed! Funnily, they keep happening again and again with me!!

I just jumped from one topic to another, let me just go back onto the original one. At times when i am not so cynical, i feel like i should just let things pass on, let time pass, may be this is just the phaze i’m going through… that we are going through! But i’m not at all sure! Anyways, Thats all to it now i guess! Cant just keep worrying about it all the time.

Late Goodnight!
*Beams my self up, to Enterprize *

This is a Chat Transcript of me and an Admirer of mine, KWH . He’s been in my net life since year 2001. And he cares for me so much, that at times I feel bad for not loving him the way he loves me. But anyways, whenever he talks to me, he makes my day!

starts …………..
KWH ( 4:31:00 PM): Heyyy.. What are you doing online??
Me (4:31:51 PM): Searching for GAY PORN!! LOL. actually updation of site, what else I can do online?
KWH (4:32:02 PM): do me, do me! lol
Me (4:32:27 PM): nice offer. But thanks; I’ll pass on that
KWH (4:32:53 PM): nahinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, main itna bhi bura to nahin
Me (4:33:27 PM): you’re not at all bad, thats why am passing on that
KWH (4:34:19 PM): ohh i can be bad also
Me (4:34:53 PM): laughs. the bad thing is, if you be good, i’ll feel bad doing you
in this mind frame. And if u be bad, I’ll get pissed off and ignore you:P
KWH (4:35:43 PM): sighs, so anything i do, i am gonna be unworthy
Me (4:36:08 PM): told ya, its just me
KWH (4:36:18 PM): sighs seems like i am the unlucky one
KWH (4:36:24 PM): lol now i am in sad mood
KWH (4:36:31 PM): nah re … it is not u
KWH (4:38:01 PM): what have u got planned for urself after u recover
Me (4:38:30 PM): am not thinking of that at all
KWH (4:39:45 PM): oh why not
Me (4:40:07 PM): i dnt know
KWH (4:40:28 PM): can i ask u something ekta
Me (4:40:36 PM): sure
KWH (4:40:52 PM): what is it that is troubling u
KWH (4:42:00 PM): i am sorry if i am asking something personal
KWH (4:42:04 PM): but just that i worry for u
KWH (4:42:11 PM): and i know something is bothering
Me (4:42:29 PM): smiles.
Me (4:42:37 PM): there are many things to be sorted out, but the inability to move
around isnt lettting me do it.
Me (4:43:24 PM): with regard to work, life and all the stuff. and this bed rest is
somehow gettng to my nerves, that all!
KWH (4:44:09 PM): i can understand, when someone is used to working and being busy , not being able to move around well it is frustrating
KWH (4:44:26 PM): but just think of it this way, this period of bed rest is almost
over
Me (4:44:27 PM): its more than frustruating for me
KWH (4:44:31 PM): just a couple more weeks
KWH (4:45:11 PM): well take it out on me , lol believe me i would be more then
happy to be ur punching bag if it makes u feel better
Me (4:46:17 PM): i cant always just let anyone be punching bag for my pent up
emotions
Me (4:46:37 PM): its soemthing which is mine, and somhow i dnt agree with this.
it’ll be unresponsible on my part to do so!
KWH (4:46:52 PM): i know u cant but atleast sometimes, otherwise just give me a
missed call when u r low, i will call u and definetly entertain u and make u
laugh
KWH (4:47:13 PM): smiles u are really very sensible u know that
Me (4:47:30 PM): well, its a curse, at times i wish i could just be a fucking
coldhearted bitch
KWH (4:47:58 PM): well u cannot be something u are not
KWH (4:48:08 PM): and i know u cannot fake nything
Me (4:48:43 PM): thats a curse again
KWH (4:48:52 PM): nah re
KWH (4:49:12 PM): i cannot fake nything and well honestly i am happy being like
that, I hate fakes
Me (4:49:46 PM): well, that is not good at times, u become vulnerable to things
Me (4:50:00 PM): but anyways i would rahter take the risk of being vulnerable than
to be a fake
KWH (4:50:17 PM): exactly, how i feel
KWH (4:50:26 PM): wow we really do think alike
KWH (4:51:02 PM): see i have been hurt by people too, so i know what u r talking
about, but well learning from mistakes, growing and not repeating same mistakes, that is what one should do. we have brains, must use it
Me (4:51:48 PM): true
KWH (4:53:06 PM): what i am trying to tell u is from what i have seen, in life the
good times and happy times are less and stressful times and well difficult times are more so one must be receptive to the bad times cause that is what constitutes of majority of our life
Me (4:55:09 PM): well its nice to read, but actually hard to do
KWH (4:56:25 PM): i know but well when u have friends with u, who like u and well
are there for u, u should take their help and make it easier
KWH (4:56:29 PM): believe me talking helps
Me (4:57:03 PM): i think i am too egoistic to talk to people
KWH (4:59:19 PM): well dont be like this
KWH (4:59:32 PM): dont talk to everyone
KWH (4:59:41 PM): atleast be open to people who well worry for u
Me (5:00:04 PM): its nice gesture on ur part
KWH (5:00:31 PM): hey Ekta, u know how i feel for u
KWH (5:00:40 PM): it is not a gesture for the heck of it
KWH (5:00:42 PM): i do mean it, believe me i dont know if u know me but i am not the kinds to be like this every anyone and everyone
Me (5:01:32 PM): cool down! i was just appreciating
KWH (5:01:41 PM): lol, i know
KWH (5:01:56 PM): i was just telling u, cause i know sometimes u feel people are
flattering u
KWH (5:02:13 PM): and well are saying things or doing things expecting something in return
Me (5:02:21 PM): most of the times, they are. But i know u arent one of them
KWH (5:02:21 PM): i know, i have seen the people behave around u
KWH (5:02:37 PM): smiles well thank u for understanding me
KWH (5:03:15 PM): lol to lighten things up
KWH (5:03:24 PM): how are things on the romance part of ur life
KWH (5:03:28 PM): met any new targets :P?

Continues…

The wind
Waltzes gentally through the leaves
kissing each one as it passes by
and then continues it’s endless lonely journy

Snowflakes
dance gracefully from a sullen sky
only to fall fataly to a desolate earth
helplessly watching others share their fate.

Ashes fall like tear drops
from the weeping fire
Coating the ground in a
Field of gray snow of sorrow
In rain, those ash of memory
Are turned to mud
And are washed away………..

I hate Valentine’s.

I dont know why. Its funny to celebrate just one day of the year for love. Secondary thought could be, i’ve somehow cease to belive in the hollow show off of love. You dont need to but gifts, or send cards on a particular day to show how much you care. Its spontaneous. Like last night when Joy called up, he was so drunk, so drunk that he didnt make any sense of whatsoever he was speaking. He’s a lawyer, he’s always sure of what he is speaking untill the time he’s drunk. He would just babble, completely. And he ended up saying that, he might just never thought to have another child for rest of his life, cause he knows how jealous i could be. It was melodrama, as much as i say i hate it, it brought me to tears. It was pure, it was not affected by any ‘expectations’ that any boy friend of mine would have, so that i can doubt. It was superb. Like the first time he held me close in his arms, and i felt like i was just a ten yr old again. Forgetting everything else, just being a spoiled naughty kid of his. But he is not around here anymore, We had a very short time to ourselves.

Anyways, done with the sad stories of my life, i had an over all okay day. One old School friend surprized me, by coming to my house and waking me up, though it was twelve in noon when he woke me up:P. This fracture and bed rest has completely fucked up my schedules, have been converted into an owl of sort i guess. insomnia never ceases to leave me.

But he came, and changed it all. When i met him, we had the same spark that we had seen in each other’s eyes while creating pranks with others of our school. We had lost in touch afterwards, but he came back. He was changed, i was changed, but the reflection of emotions in his eyes, were just the same.

It reminded me the song that we used to listen to, together, knowing that someday we’ll be together again, and will sing this song with just the remains of our childhood puppy affairs…

This is where i belong… BoyZone.

Here i stand in the northern rain
And i can’t believe i’m home again
And i can’t believe how nothing’s changed
I’m finding my way

Old park bench where i carved my name
But now it doesn’t stand alone
Cause now the trees have over grown
Many a road that i’ve travelled
That’s led me a stray
Here’s where my heart’s gonna stay

This is where i belong
This is where i come from
No need to shed my tears
Or face my fears anymore
So i won’t walk alone
Taking things on my own
All of the lands i’ve roamed
Memories of my home
They keep beating strong
….Cause this is where i belong!!

The week was totally unforgettable for me, cause i was with Joy, Almost 20 hours a day. LAst Week Of Dec was the one i never had before, in my entire life, I was meeting him… finally!!

Let me Share Who Joy is, Joy is the friend, philosopher, guide, family, and mentor for me. He’s 10 yrs elder than me, He’s the brother that i never had, he’s the mother that i will never have! Spooky, of course. But he means a lot to me.

We are from different corners of india, He from East (Kolkata) And Me from West(Ahmedabad). We’ve lived in different cultures, still we are same, atleast thats what he thinks :P.

Though we have met on the medium of net, we’ve kept our touch more offline than online… We’ve been quite close from almost a year now. This Post is the tribute to the Year i spent with him. This February 9th, was the first time that we talked to each other private, even though we had known each other as members of a same yahoo group from year or so.

Sighs!! And then it begun. We exchanged numbers and addresses eventually. Writing each other letters, and calling each other when schedules let us. We’ve gone through much, We have had throughout the night talks, we have had our fights, even we curse each other all the time. Still he is the most loved person of my life, as much as i love my dad, i love him. He’s the one i can just call up in middle of the night, and whine about how things in life arent going the way i want them to, or to just curse the one i’m dating right now and how i seem to always fall for the WRONG one!!

In short, I love him. For who he is, for who he is to me. And this is to Thank Him, to tell him that no matter what, we’ll always be there for eachother!