My condition these days is completely like… “Aasmaan se tapke, Khajuur pe Atke!!” I mean, its funny how murphy seems to prove his law true for everything i go through and make me remember him again and again! and i repeat, its actually funny!

Well, its a usual blabbering, about my Accident. To be truthful, If i were to be an optimistic person i would have seen good things in that as well, but somehow, i just end up defying my own self, when it comes to the thinking of both the sides.Okay, now i better stop running in circle around the original subject and directly get to the center of the matter. Fortunately enough, a week ago, my physiotherapy reached the level where i was told, i could start walking then on. Of course with a little support. Gawd, i was damn glad about that, it literally took half of the sensations of pain away from the bloody physio exercises! And thats where the trouble started!

Let me elaborate, I , Miss Ekta, after burning my previous physiotherapist-Mr. Raval ’s work and also the skin at the back of his hand [..no detailing of that horrible yet almost planned 'accident' during the hotwax therapy here!! ] got in touch with a new physiotherapist. That one turned out to be a female for her own safety from me[... muhhahahaa!!], and twice lucky cause she shared the same name with my special someone, and let me tell you, that name isnt that usual in INDIA even though its unisex. So yeah, i kinda developed a soft corner for her. Then we began with the walking exercises. of course, Heavily painful stuff. I was overall calm, somehow i think i am good at bearing physical pain, may be cause of my past experiences & martial arts, or may be cause of the silly ego of being the strong one. Anyway, the conclusion was that i would sweat up like hell due to pain, while going through the exercise, but i wouldnt make a sound, no more than a moan here and there. So it got hard for her to actually draw a line where the pain got too much for me. Unfortunately, The more she tried to notice my reactions, the more i would be alert not to let a single sound escape my lips!!

Then After almost three days, she realised i was having a kind of lump within my heel, which wasn’t melting with the hotwax techniques and other lossening up exercises. She asked me how much it pained, i honestly replied it was painful but not over my limits of absorbing. She smiled at my answer, and told me that she really didnt expect me to be too stoic about it. I was the one to get shocked on her comment. She went on talking to me, taking me for an X-ray again. The X-ray results gave another shock to both of us, I was developing a stress fracture inside my heel. Probably due to the overload of exercises after the two months of stiffness. Then, I was asked not to do the heavy exercises, just the mild ones for the time being, so that it doesnt get too serious. Oh well, there goes my chances of walking in nearfuture goes away! I’m to wait for few days, then gradually go along! Heck, i’ve got a state level public speaking contest to win within a week from now, and i am not allowed to walk yet!!

Okay, now as if the stress fracture and the delays in the walking is not worse enough, I was to be apt for more! That X-ray gave another complication to doctors! They noticed that after the sweeling has been returning to normal, the thickness of the nails-wires planted in my sole covers almost 85% percent of the whole thickness. The twister is that, with that much thickness it could be easily tempered by outside sources of force in any possible way. Like a fall or an accident again [god, i hope not!] or even a barefeet walk over a road with stones. If that happens then the planted nail would be more a danger for the foot! Now as it was planted just for the sake of keeping all the bones straight for better healing, its purpose is almost served as bones are almost healed normal. Now the docs think that i should go for another surgery, to take the implants out as there is no need for the implants anymore. Bloody boring ordeal again! Bed rest, no walk and terrible headaches cause of the anesthesia!

What more could i ask for?!! Sighs! I hope Mr Murphy is happy atleast!!
Oh, and i’m actually glad i’m a pessimist! For a pessimist is never disappointed.

Below are the things …. that i’ve never done before, but now i want to do them… may be in this year…. or atleast once before i die… [ This questionaire was given by a good friend, and i think it can make a very good post ]

I want….

[Place:]

… to see Iceland, in winter, and feel the snow all around… enveloping me and probably my special someone, who would hold me in those precious moments

…. to move out of my house, live on my own, away from my parents. Though the thing that keeps me here is the strong emotional bond that i share with my father. Of course , the strong fights with my mother over different ways of living life can outweigh it at times!!

… to have a road trip alone, all the way from Ahmedabad to Kolkata. In my favorite car, Tata Sierra.

[People:]

… to go to my native and meet my childhood friends that i’ve been neglecting from a long time, for a silly reason such as they used to hate me, cause i used to trouble them a lot!

… to live 24/7 enjoying the small things of life, seeing things from a different prospective as a roommate/housemate with a certain individual i absolutely adore, who comes second after Ms Ally macbeal, The one and the only… Reshma Sanyal ( … Dear Reshma, don’t mind, just being dead honest!)

… to get married, that also arranged by my parents. ( here i’ve surprised my self even more than the last one!! Marry and me? that even Arranged??? Friends, I’ve officially lost it!!!)

[Food:]

… to eat sea-food[prawns], even though i think it would make me want to puke at the thought of it!!

… to have a biiiiiiiiiig refridgerator full of chocolates… and eat them too!! [mmmmmm... do i need say anything more...]

… to prepare a gujarati dish called, “Khandvi” ,[Gosh! its really tough! five times i've tried, always failed!!]

[Hobbies:]

… to actaully Paint a whole Designed Saree with Fabric colors, or atleast Finish the one that i’d already started months back and had put it, up the shelves![ somebody... help me!!]

… to learn playing Orchestra(drums). [well! am already good with sticks, just the music that it creates, isnt advisable for ears!! My neighbours dog constantly runs in circles for hours after listening to it!!]

… to write a book, “How to read fast : 100 pgs a day!”

Lol. More than enough ‘Serious’ thoughts for the day i think.
No pun! Just Fun!!

Now this was something that i enjoyed a few evenings back!!

The Blog Quiz Of Anbu

Oh yeah, i got stuck in the second GK question, so no prize or no Chance to Attempt the ‘SuperSawal’ But hey none the less i enjoyed it. To read more about it, go to his blog, afterall its his copyright material :P:P But anyway, I must say He is damn sweet when it comes to giving hints Thanks Anbu, for making my evening more cheerful. Talk to you again sometimes, And this time i’ll be asking the questions.. *BIG GRIN*

Aprt from that, i guess everyone around is trying to cheer me up in their own ways, my G friend-CU comes to my house on regular basis and re-makes the songs with humourous lyrics and sings them to me. Oh damn him, he is now more desirable to me, once i know i cant have him! Silly human nature, isnt it?

I had a nice talk with Joy about CU and about other stuff that was bothering me, better i should say i whined, absulotely usual stuff. About the past, present painful physiotherapy and damned future. And he just ‘hmm’ed the whole time, cause while the time i was whining he was in a legal conference. But he didnt cut me off rightaway, Now isn’t that so sweet of him. before i could ‘awww’ over his recent deed, being the prick that he is, tells me go to hell, and actually mean it too. And we both know that, after putting the phone down, we both will have a big grin over our faces.*laugh*

Later that night, when i was sleeping, he sent me a txt msg, a very meaningful one, as cause he hasnt been around me for some time now, busy with his own work and all.

“There might be times when you wont find me by yourside, and those actually would be the times when i would be making plans to screw your happiness.*Grin* ”

Now, Don’t you think, To be given a challenge/fight is the most adrenaline rush for anyone??

Ekta.

ps. This might be a last post for a while, a week or more may be, some problem with my postpaid connection’s billing procedures. Of course it affects my getting online, as data cable and the Cell ISP is the way i get online. Anyway, Will be back soon. Ciao.

Finally it happened…

… I got reminded of him… LL. The person I wished I could let go and forget… well may be just forget. *sigh*

It was a harsh blow when it happened, I took it well though, but it just made me think of what I was doing. I was acting as if I did not even remember his existence in my life, cause somehow it always made me feel that it had been my unadulterated idiocy to let it all go. And all this years that has past since he’s gone, I believe I had let my character be exploited for his good. But then again, I can’t condemn him absolutely, as it was my verdict primarily. I knew he would not be mine, he wouldn’t be domesticated, yet I went on, may be too asinine to realize I was falling for him cause I wanted to prove me audacious. Or may be I was too frail to let go of the only opportunity of my puppy love getting contented.

Yes, we were 17. He was the very first guy I had a crush on. He was elegant and susceptible, well… He isn’t deceased yet, so yeah, He IS elegant and susceptible. I loved him for that. But I still feel frivolous about the whole thing; I fucking knew he would not be tied down. He was to have but not to hold. And still, I was adamant on letting it go further. I knew him, more than he knew himself. I knew his dreams, I knew his aspirations. I was his best pal after all, the only one with whom he has shared those longings, sitting over at the uppermost terrace of his residence while we watched dazzling sunrises after a long night of nattering. I knew I was not the end of the road; I was the hand to draw him on his course, and then let him leave to hunt his own destiny. And of course I did that. I treasured him, I cared for him, I cherished him, and I helped him along his potential path. All for what, to let him hit the road one day. Oh yeah, all the theory of uncontaminated love had gotten to my cranium; I was making an epic sacrifice. May be I was being the grown-up one… Or may be I was the most absurd of all.

Can’t say he didn’t adore me. He did. He respected me nonetheless, always, as the best friend. But at the very start I thought, I could transform him with my love in those years that I had prior to his departure. He did change. I did help him evolve, till the point where one more stride, and he could have mine. I could have egoistically had him for life. But I didn’t do it; I had determined to let him go. I had effectively managed to keep him one step too far from me. Yet, he wasn’t the one to hold responsible here as well. He constantly accepted things the way I wanted him to accept. If I would settle on staying away, he would accept it. I recall the time we spent together, and I believe, inspite of all he loved me. The latent transparency in his emotions that I brought out was one of the most attractive things about him. He looked so innocent when he told me of his ambitions with haze of passion in his eyes. He looked so angelic, when I used to hold him close on those painful nights, and I would feel his tears of misery on my fingertips. He looked so pure, when out of the blue; he would look at me, and say, I love you, for teaching me to be me.

In those last days together, sitting in the balcony in sheer darkness, covered in chilly embrace of the night, was the only blissful solitude I had. He would be in same house, but he wouldn’t dare come there, he was scared of the very darkness I was so fond of. Yes, he was scared of it. I had even noticed that in childhood, he used to outsmart us in the game of Hide n Seek, always finding a way out not to get his eyes under the blindfold. I had observed, and then he had admitted it to me later on.

The D-day arrived; my role in this play was about to end. And I had gladly decided I was going to suffer for the rest of my life, for letting go of my first love. It was early evening, when I was sitting outside in the balcony again, my knees pulled up, with my arms around my knees, holding my self uptight, ready to accept the reality. He had the evening flight, and then onwards we were never going to see each other, or hear from each other. That was the thing I decided. May be it was for good. May be it was for best.

He figured I would be there, as I saw him walk to me and sit before, with his tearful eyes. I couldn’t see him in pain; I was to be the strong one. I had to wind it up soon, no long stretched goodbyes. I directly told him; I wouldn’t go with him to see him off at airport, no melodramas. This would be the last time we see each other, and he was not to contact me first for the rest of our lives. I would be the one initiating it, if I wanted. He protested for a moment, but I stopped him midway, I told him it was for the sack of my dignity. He nodded, accepting as he always did. He managed to not break down, and I managed to smile. He didn’t say a word more, but hold my hand and passed me a piece of scribbled paper. He kept looking at my eyes, as I opened the paper and read it. It was a poem. A rhyming one. He worked hard to make it rhyme. His effort brought me a smile, and he felt good being the one to bring me that smile.

After a long silence, I pulled out the scarf around my neck, and asked him for a last favor. He nodded again, and I continued, “Shall we have a last play of our favorite game, Hide and seek?” He was puzzled for a moment, but then he understood. I looked at him, the wind from sideways ran through his silky locks of hairs, ruffling them over his big dreamy eyes. I wished I could just stop the time, and have this moment frozen for the rest of my life, of him sitting and looking at me like that. He took the scarf from my fingers and slid closer to me for the quick hug, neither of us wanted it to be so close that it breaks the control over the tears. Next he stood up and wrapped the scarf around my head, covering my eyes. Even though it was early evening, I was in the darkness again, the darkness that was there to hold me whenever I felt alone, the darkness that was there to keep me sane. Everything was still, I could hear nothing, but I could still smell his scent linger about me. It stayed there for long time, so did I. Hours passed like that, and I remained there, plunged into darkness of my own, never wishing to leave its peaceful embrace, with the torn paper in my clenched fist, holding onto the last memoirs of my bravery. His scent fade, so did the evening light.

I took off the scarf from my eyes, knowing it was dark again. Knowing I would never try to find him. Knowing I wouldn’t cry.

I did neither, cry or search to get him back. I knew I wasn’t the one for him. Then why wasting it. Why causing my self more harm than what has already been done, But I’ve still saved that paper, that piece scribbled poetry… my prize of defeat…so much for my honor! So less for my crave!

May be i would share that with you someday, just may be…

but till then…. i would be listening to this…

” …. What if i had never let you go?
would you be the man i used to know?
if i stayed … if you tried…
if we could only turn the time..
but i guess..
we’ll never know….”

Can you trust a person you’ve met right away??
Or let me change the format of the question,
How long do you think does it take for you to trust someone??

That was supposed to be a query that I was going to inquire my self, but now I have come down to just make it civic and blog it out. I believe that the answer to it is personal and it depends on particulars, which vary for each individual, so I’m in point of fact inquisitive to know everyone’s observation. What I mean by that question is, when you get to identify a name for the first time, and then you develop adequate imminence to share hush-hush that you’ve not shared with regular acquaintances. How long does it take for you, to take that leap from the first step of the ladder to the last step?

More often than not people will say that they will give it a time, to know the other one better. But the majority of the time what a person in fact does is to keep him on lookout all the time. Like a comrade of mine says, not to commit a gaffe of trusting people too much too soon.

But what it means to be early, or for that matter the-right-time to be open and be your self??!! In many cases, it has occurred paradoxically that after years you establish the trust on someone and he/she might contravene your trust. I’m not discussing about exceptions… its merely a subject of perception rather. You perceive that ‘then’ is the correct time to be intimate, so you go along, then you might get hurt cause it has led you to unlike finale then what you had expected. So from then on, for next time you become slight ‘more’ cautious and slight less trusting than before! The cynic cycle never ends. Of course, it’s a multifaceted human nature… and everyone perform in dissimilar approach. But Again, If you don’t open up and continue to remain distant, then you may never know if you could ever trust him/her, as you are just so wrapped up keeping yourself away from the probable injure. If I have to be downright rational, I would say, if one day or another you ARE going to take the plunge to see where its going to escort you, then why not right then?

Its a different matter altogether if you do not see your relation going that way, you may just very well remain courteous friends throughout your lives. But if you do seek ’some’ future of that camaraderie, you are to risk things later, if not right then. So what’s the point of entire getting-into-it-step-by-step-being-too-insecure-to-trust? To me it seems like unrealistic, impractical waste of time.

If I were to be in a position like that, I would definitely go with intuition. I strongly believe that, what you feel is right for you, is exactly what is right for you. You feel positive about something, you go on. If you don’t, then you make a U turn. That’s as easy as we can make it. Of course opinions vary.. and brickbats are more than welcome. : D

The point of the post is, I’ve just been in the same place of being introduced to somebody. Its been somewhere around 24 hours and we’ve spent most of them conversing with interest, and I’ve of course acted with my intuition. But anyhow, the Question still remains unanswered…

The only day in week when I’m actually watching out for late night reiterate telecasts of undersized film kind of series on Star Plus… Called “Star Bestsellers”

The excellent element about them is, Every time they’ve surfaced with an exclusively splendid *new* notion. It’s invigorating to see those where every other Hindi channel will either be wedged on melodrama [purely "Ekta-kapoor" Kind of Rona-Dhona Daily sops], or Hindi movies [which aren't any different from them anyways!!]

So yes, today I saw a first-rate shortie on star best sellers … called “The End”. Written by “Rohit Dev Malhotra”, now this gentleman is quite known to me. He’s not the rona-dhona archetypal playwright. He experiments, with new subject, at times litigious, and entirely dissimilar from others. May be that’s the raison d’être that he’s not triumphant, as “Janta” Of India wouldn’t accept that sort of script. They would quite prefer the typicality. Phew! I’m not going to write more about how I feel on that painstaking stuff, so getting back to the subject matter of this blogpost… I did love seeing that film [of course I had seen it before, it was just a 100th repeat of it that I watched...] However there were some setbacks there that I couldn’t help notice, the story line wasn’t in that much of the grip of the writer, means at times he tend to go off tangents. There were some extremes that he not only crossed but also made them appear like bizarre. Again, it’s just my opinion. Each one to his own, right?!

Anyway, For the readers who haven’t seen that episode, I shall shortly be putting up the synopsis here on blog. For the readers who already have seen it, I’ve a second part of that post, which shall contain my way of the ending of the story! Something for both kinds!!! Keep watching! And don’t change the channel, cause infomercials are part of life, and also… Exists Everywhere!

Ciao.
Ektz.