well, when was the last time you felt grumpy, sad without any reason, impulsive and dangerous?

For me, it is a constant state of mind when i am going through my menstruation days, each month. Just like it started last sunday.

For some weird reason i am at the peak of my creativity/destructivity these days. I end up with one of the bests and also one of the worsts. its beautiful yet painful. its happiness in misery. its the rollar coaster ride where i do not know when is the next dive/turn and how long and deep/high that is.

its 4:30 in the morning, havent slept throughout the night, watched a movie “city of angels” and cried at the end of it. Simplest yet strongest of all emotions, love and sadness. i wonder how rare the count would be who wouldnt be touched by the emotions of that movie. Anyways crying made me feel a little better. but its not the release. my emotional release is nowhere around. i talked to Ember last night, and as i told him about what and how i wished to bring out the sadist in me, he could only say “… i am scared of you.”

Well, its funny at times, and also scary to see him say such things, he is the purest of all the SAMs (smart assed machoists) and i do not mind, infact i love it in him. he has his remarks and pretty tricks and all, and i love the play nonetheless. But i am sure he knows what he is dealing with when i am reckless with all the hormones and cruel thoughts.

i definately think of edgy stuff, something that makes me feel i want to create the destruction. well hey, few people do get a turn on by destruction, and it turns me on, as well as calms me down in a way. i think of imaginary highly propped and active fantasies, and sometimes simply cruel. Comeon, Think of a dungeon in hell, where i’m wraping a man in an aluminium foil after stabbing him deep with fork, sprinkling lime juice, salt and pepper over his flesh, and then putting him on barbeque, and smugly watch him burn and die over the fire….. well, scary? yeah i guess. but it isnt. not for him. Cause actually its not familiar for him. Its a fantasy. he amusingly listen and smirk over it saying, “you have a fork, foil and spices if not the fires of hell.”

But it did scare him when i told him the simply cruel plans of mine. the visions that i have, the day dreams of me in my simple black jeans and top, and him in his t-shirt and trousers. And the leather belt of mine, that i would want to lash it out on him, like hell. If he fights back, then may be cruelar than before, Marking his skin with my sadist emotions, and making him bleed. and then the visions of seeing him in tears, curled up in the corner starked naked except for the fresh welts on his skin.

And as i say this all to him, scared as he is, he still replies with a rather afraid then a smart ass comment that i wouldnt hurt him. May be cause i dont have any logical reason, and for the fact that i love him, it would make it more hard for me to hurt him. i might beat the hell out of him, but i couldnt *hurt* him. Well, it took me nothing but a silence as a reply to make him realize that i could.

… and may be i would. To me, destruction never needs a reason, its just a need of my mind that pours out for real just like i do when i create something, such as writing. And (un)fortunately its also as rare as i write a poem. ( luckily i dnt write frequent :P)